Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump’s palatial private club by the sea in Palm Beach, circa 1996. I was 24 and attending a wedding of a New York socialite friend. Clad in the very short, very tight style of the era, I sipped champagne in the ballroom. It was then that The Donald made a beeline across the room to introduce himself to me. I remember smirking and being tempted to ask him to repeat his name. He attempted some flirtation and innuendo until my date returned and whisked me away.
I think of it now in the face of his rise to power and possible position as the most powerful man in the world and reflect on why not in a million years would I ever sleep with Donald Trump.
1 He’s just gross. With his bloated orange face, rubbery lips, and hair that could qualify as the eighth wonder of the world, it’s ironic that he claims to be an expert on the physical appearance of others and routinely puts people down for the way they look.
2 Freud might say that a man who routinely builds phallic towers in the sky and stamps his name all over them is likely compensating for something. And if you have to mention your penis size in a presidential debate, not only have you lowered the bar of decency to mind-blowing depths, but it’s clear that there is some deep-seated insecurity. I mean, YUUUUGGE.
3 He is selfish. Just listening to Trump speak about himself with such unmitigated braggadocio is enough to imagine what a selfish, horrible lover he must be.
4 His obsessive need to mark everything he touches with his goddamn name, like a dog marking its territory. From Trump University to Trump Water to Trump Steaks, it makes you wonder if a woman could escape his bedroom without a gilded TRUMP across the rump.
5 He’s misogynistic. In 2011 during a deposition, Trump told a female lawyer, “You’re disgusting,” when she asked for a break to pump breast milk for her baby. And in April of 2015 Trump tweeted, “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband what makes her think she can satisfy America.“ There are no words.
6 He speaks about his own daughters as sexual objects. In an interview in the 1980s TV show Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, he remarked on the potential future boob size of his then-toddler daughter, Tiffany. Trump also famously remarked at how, if Ivanka wasn’t his daughter, he’d probably be dating her. Awww, thanks, Dad!
7 He can’t seem to maintain a consistent position on anything. And let’s face it, no woman likes to be flipped around in bed—from missionary to on top to wheelbarrow. Given his switch from a self-proclaimed, pro-choice New York Democrat to being the leader of the Republican clown show, who actually hesitates to disavow the likes of KKK leader David Duke, it’s safe to assume you would be in for a bumpy ride.
8 Trump is a whiny little litigious bitch. A woman wants a man in the bedroom who fights his own battles. Trump’s one consistent stand in this campaign has been his unquenchable desire for lawsuit. His battle cry of “I’ll sue!” proves just what a wussy he is as he hides behind his lawyers.
9 He’s a bigot. I don’t know about you but I don’t sleep with bigots. I just don’t.
10 I don’t want to be lobotomized. From the demeanor and glazed look of his present wife, there is a clear toll to the soul that comes from being Trump’s bedmate. I worry about her. Seriously, she’s like a P.O.W.
Let’s start a campaign. #freemelania. It’ll catch on.
“I was 24 and attending a wedding of a New York socialite friend. Clad in the very short, very tight style of the era, I sipped champagne in the ballroom.”