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Hi Ali,
My hubby will only have sex with me when the kids are not at home. We have two little ones, and they go to sleep super early. I say if they are asleep, it’s fine. But he says just knowing they are down the hall makes him nervous and not feeling sexy. — Sad in my Sex Desert

That’s a bit limiting and frustrating. I have so many questions! Are you getting plenty of kid-free sex time? Is it easy for you to make that work? Is he afraid they will walk in? Is he afraid they will hear? How old are the kids? Are you able to afford childcare so you can get plenty of time away to be intimate? What is he afraid of?

I would agree that when they are asleep it should be fine. But he doesn’t, and I don’t know why it’s making him nervous. Lock your door. Have quieter sex when they are home. But I can’t imagine you can get enough away time to be having enough sex.

A lot of attachment parents find creative ways to be intimate. They have sex in the kitchen when all the kids are asleep or super quiet sneaky sex when they are close by. In many parts of the world, the whole family lives in one room and they keep making babies.

I think he may need to talk to someone–a therapist, guy friends–about why this is an issue for him. I’m sorry. I hope a simple lock on your bedroom door can solve the problem and that you can have plenty of sex at home while the kids sleep.

It’s hard for me to address the issue, when I don’t really know where he’s coming from. I’m glad to hear he wants to have sex. That’s good! Sounds like kids are just a turn-off for him. That will mean you might need to carve away some sexy alone time. But I wouldn’t stop trying to seduce him once they are asleep and your bedroom door is locked. Good luck!


Author: Ali Dubin, MA, CPC

Ali Dubin, M.A., CPC is a psychospiritual, humanistic, intuitive, practical counselor and life coach working with individuals, couples, and families in southern California or by video all over the world. She lectures on love, self-love, giving and receiving love, and on love languages. Ali has worked with LGBTQ families for more than 25 years. She is also a professional freelance portrait photographer, a Second City-trained improviser, proficient in American Sign Language, and best of all, a mom to two daughters. She is currently completing her doctorate in Psychology-Marriage and Family Therapy. View all posts by Ali Dubin, MA, CPC

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