new baby

“Jeans become an increasingly masochistic game of how long can I pretend my thighs and ass aren’t also going to swell to hulk like proportions.”


When I get pregnant, I get PREGNANT. And by that I mean that I showed almost immediately and became almost twice my normal size. You’re thinking I’m being hyperbolic, but my friends can attest, that I am not. I gained somewhere close to 80 pounds with my first child but I’m not entirely sure because I gave up measuring in that last stretch of the race. I only know that once I was waddling around in plastic shower shoes because my feet were too wide to fit in regular shoes, I gave up with getting on the scale.

Trying to find clothes, and I mean clothes that you actually like, while you are pregnant can be challenging even when you are in the early stages of liking how sweet your brand new baby bump is.  Even then, jeans become an increasingly masochistic game of how long can I pretend my thighs and ass aren’t also going to swell to hulk like proportions. Trying to still look cute in jeans is a futile game. Try if you must, but remember my warning.

And what if you must attend an event pregnant and need to come up with attractive formal wear? My husband and I had a black tie event to attend and I  went to  the fancy maternity store, Pea in the Pod to find a suitable dress. The sales  lady talked me into a two piece ensemble with a fitted top and sequined skirt. A matching wrap covered my chubby arms and the color was a flattering deep blue that I thought complimented my eyes. I got home and tried on the outfit for my husband who fell to the floor laughing at what he described looked like a giant sparkly blueberry in heels. I threw a shoe at him and went back to the store and settled on something more flowy.Trust me, flowy dresses are more romantic and make more sense than trying to be sexy in something form fitting.

Shopping for maternity clothes is it’s own exercise in humiliation. My advice, always go with a friend and your sense of humor. I made the mistake of trying to shop for clothes alone and grumpy while I was pregnant a few times. In the early stages of my first pregnancy, I entered a very upscale boutique maternity store. The young girl behind the counter took one look at me and proclaimed, “Oh wow, you must be due any day now!” I was three months pregnant.

Another time toward the end of my pregnancy when I was the size of an RV, I huffed myself into a run of the mill maternity store, in desperate need to find some kind of muumuu I could wear to withstand the heat. The saleswoman took one look at me and said, “Oh, honey, I’m not going to have anything that will fit you!” I left in tears.

The point is- when searching for maternity clothes, wear what makes you feel comfortable and keep some perspective.  This too will pass. Yes, you will wear your skinny jeans again and try to just  enjoy the ridiculousness and the magic of your own metamorphosis.

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